But I really shouldn't be...

You know, I really don't have a lot left for school. And it's nice. But surprisingly? I'm a little stressed right now... I think the issue is that I'm just sooooo ready to be done and take a break before the fresh start next semester. Which I am SO EXCITED FOR! I love the beginnings of semesters. New friends, new classes, and new experiences to come. So for now, I'm stressed, but not for long. :)

Gap

No, not that kind of gap. I'm talking right now about a "generation gap."

I've never felt this way until now with me and my family. There is obviously a generation gap between me and my parents... but now I am realizing there has become a significant one between me and my sibling. I am at a completely different place in my life than them. Before we start talking about this you really should understand that I am in no way implying that I love my family less... I've just come to realize a few important things.

First of all, since there is a 7 year age difference between me and my closest sibling, Holly, I feel that I've had to grow up a lot faster than those of whom are my own age. I learned to have adult conversations at a very young age and therefore that's why I think I get along with older people better. Therefore I feel kind of stuck in the middle.

Two, I feel like I missed out then, and now I'm missing out now. When I was younger, I was never "old enough" to do the things my older brothers and sisters were doing. And now that I am well old enough... they all have grown out of it and have kids now. Our world revolved around them. Again, not a bad thing. Just... different. For example when we go to the Gateway Mall in SLC it doesn't necessarily mean shopping, it means the Children's Museum for 2 1/2 hours. I was able to sneak out for about 45 minutes with my mom to get some new jeans... but we had to hurry back because the kids were all getting hungry and cranky...

Three, they don't seem excited and enthusiastic about change and going out to see the world anymore. They are all settling. In Utah, mind you. Both my sisters and one of my brothers already live here. Riley was the last hold out but now he's moving to Ogden area to manage a Kneaders Bakery and Cafe. He said he's done with his adventure in Las Vegas and ready to settle in a more "domestic" area. Me? Well... it's in my plans to be moving back to NYC sometime in the near future. Guess what everyones responses were.... Why would you want to move away from your family??? Which I understand. They are all settling. They are all 28 and older. Me..... I'm 21. Just starting out. They've almost made me feel guilty for having this desire. I've thought about it a lot lately and you know? I think I'd like to get married sometime soon and start a family, but I really don't see it in the cards for me anytime soon. So my question is why sit around waiting and not be progressing and out experiencing life. I think they kind of expect me to stick around waiting on my front porch for prince charming to come along. Not gonna happen.

Ok, I'm done. It's the gap. It's always been there, just not as prominent. And it will continue to be there in my life until ALL of our kids are out of the house. So I'll deal with it. Because I love my family... and I have no choice.... :)

A change in the wind...

It's been an interesting morning. And I don't know quite how to take it. While at work today I got an email from LDS Public Affairs located in Manhattan, NY requesting my availability for a phone interview tomorrow. TALK ABOUT BLIND SIGHTED!!!!!! All I did was drop off a resume when we visited there last week. I was so completely shocked. My parents have told me before that they would help me go to NYC for an internship if it was paid.... this one is unpaid. But if I were offered all the internships in NYC and money wasn't an issue, I would pick LDS Public Affairs. So, it just so happened that my parents would be coming up on campus 30 minutes after this "change in the wind." I went and sat them down and talked it out with them. I don't know the details for sure, but I think this interview is for an internship starting in January. So I made my argument. I would defer from school this next semester and use the money I would have used for tuition to live in NYC for 3 months (if i get the internship). I would then come back and work for Canfield the next summer and earn money for the next school year. My parents approved. I have an interview with LDS Public Affairs tomorrow at 2:30 p.m. Wish me luck.

Personal Success and Realization...

(This post is going to be a combination of several things... but please bear with me)

But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.

My parents came into town last night and after we went to dinner. My dad went back to their hotel and I was able to spend some time with my mom. She did the typical mom thing and took me to the store to get groceries and some Christmas decorations for my pathetically decorated tree. She then took me up and dropped me off on campus so I could work on homework until the buildings closed. We got to talking on the way up about trials people have gone through in their lives. I have to tell you now, my mom has seen me through a lot over the years. I've dealt with a lot of conflict in my life and have been hurt by a lot of people I thought I could trust. My mom has seen me through it all. She's cried with me. She's let me yell when frustrated. But we both came to a realization last night. We are grateful for our trials. And because we have stuck with the Lord and trusted in him, we have become better people and have learned how to handle conflict better.

My mom reminded me last night that I am in a really good place in my life right now. And it's completely true I realized. Usually during each semester I am in conflict with one roommate or the other. I'm usually angry and frustrated and really wound up about life in general. But I've learned, it doesn't hurt anything for me to just stay out of it. I feel like I'm a well liked person and I have a lot of friends. And that makes me feel great about myself! I've learned to cool it and not get so wound up about school. Last Winter was the worst.... you could ask anyone. But this semester I am just as busy, or even more, and I am having a great time. I've taken a chill pill so to speak.

This class has been such a help in making me realize what kind of person I am and what my needs are in order to be happy. My first color is red, and my secondary is white. And I think I'm beginning to find a good balance between the two. I have no problem confronting people about problems. I'm confident when I speak can keep a clear head. But at the same time, I really hate conflict. In my experience. NO GOOD COMES FROM IT!!!! Trust me on that. That's where my white comes into play. I really do treasure a peaceful life. While I can stand up for myself and argue a point, I'd rather not because I know it really won't do anyone any good.

So let me revert back to the scripture... "But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction."

If I had to pick one important lesson that I've learned in my life so far, it would be this. Throughout everything I've been through in the last four years, I've put my trust in him, and my mom for that matter, and have kept with the church. Now, I'm not saying I've been perfect throughout everything. I have soooooo not been. I've made so many mistakes, but what's important is that I've learned from them. But as I look back over this last year especially, I've been so blessed in my life. And I know with out a doubt that's because of how I reacted to the trials in my life. I am grateful for my trials.

Decisions... come what may...

So, I knew before I got back from New York, I would have to be making some pretty important decisions when I did get back. The question? Is New York the place for me. I have no idea. I've been praying about it but He seems to not want to give me an answer yet. So this is my strategy. I'm going to work hard to get there, and if I do? Great! If not, then it wasn't meant to be. Yesterday I spent two hours writing follow up emails and thank you's to the trip. I've already had one reply back from a lady that she would be happy to consider me for their internship program. So this is a good sign. It's going to be a huge sacrifice moving there. But why not? While I'm young, single, and vibrant. :)

These lights will inspire you...

I've always wanted to move to NYC. For the last year that has been my goal. Do all I can to get to this amazing city. But lately, I haven't been feelin' it much. I feel like there's something else I should be doing. But I don't know quite yet. I started getting this after I was accepted to the New York trip. So I figured that I'd go, work hard to get everything I could out of the experience, and then evaluate how I felt after the fact. I'm still not feeling it. And I don't know what to do. Cause that's what I've worked for these past 2 years, and that's where I'm heading. It's not a bad thing. I just realized I'd be completely on my own in NYC. Which would be fine, but I'd miss my family dearly. And NYC is a work hard city. Which again, not bad. But I don't want to work Saturdays. I'm a 9-5 type of girl and don't want to worry about things on the weekend. That's what I liked so much about my job/internship this summer. I worked during the week, the evenings and weekends I didn't even have to think about work projects. So my solution? Come what may - and love the heck out of it!

These streets will make you feel brand new...

Marissa and Jared at the Stardust Diner

Marissa on the red stairs in Time Square

Well I'm back from four beautiful days in New York City! It was a such a memorable experience to go around the city and meet with Advertising and Public Relations professionals in the industry. I couldn't have done it on my own. The companies we went to were Fusion PR, JWT, Razorfish, LDS Public Affairs, Young & Rubicam, Time Inc., Pen American, Coltrin & Associates, Edelman, and McGarry Bowen. The interesting thing about New York City is that I don't think you could ever be bored. There is always something to do or see. Free things even. The streets are alive with all sorts of different people and nothing is out of the ordinary in New York. You could walk down the street in a tutu and people would say - "Good for you!!" All in all it was an experience of a lifetime. It helped me realize some things about myself that I didn't know before.

Constant Change

Me and my sibling February 2002

This is going to be a long post...

This last week's topic in class was about relationships. We focused a lot in class about romantic relationships, but I remember reading in the chapter about adapting to inevitable changes in relationships. The strongest relationship that I have and will always have is that with my family. I love them so dearly and can't imagine not being able to talk to them every week. But the fact is, we have gone through a lot of changes these past few years, and this next year... even more. I was talking to my brother Riley the other day about this and everything that is going to happen. So lets list them...

1. This next year is my dad's last year for running our apple and cherry orchards. He is retiring.

2. My parents are putting their house and shop up for sale. Within a year I will no longer be able to sleep in the room I have ever since I was a baby.

3. After living and working in Las Vegas for 7 years, my brother Riley will be moving his family to the Ogden, Utah area because they are investing in and managing a Kneaders sandwich shop.

3. My brother Tyson is also looking into the Kneaders sandwich shop and if this happens for him it will bring his little family out of the desolation they experienced a couple years ago. (Losing his job and relocating to Utah within a month)

4. Me and Riley suspect there will be two new babies coming into our family within the next year - My sister Jenny and her husband and Tyson and his wife.

5. I will be moving to NYC next summer if all goes well next week. Headed on a new adventure that no one in my family has ever attempted before.

Relationships are in constant change and as you can see there will be a lot of things changing this next year. It will be an emotional time especially since my dad is selling our fruit farm after 25 years.

A Beautiful Thing...

This city, is a beautiful thing. It's the city of dreams. The lights will inspire you. And I have always wanted to be a part of it. A couple years ago I was able to visit New York City with my mom for my senior trip. We shopped, saw the sites, and had a lot of fun. Well, next Tuesday I'm going again, but to find a job. I am so excited! I am living my dream and am seizing the opportunity to do so.

Hammer to Head

Could someone hit me over the head with one of these? I am soooo stressed right now. I'll get over it in about 20 minutes though don't worry. Here are reasons why and they are all sadly a result of something amazing that will be happening next week.

Reason 1: I am getting sick... fighting a cold with all my might

Reason 2: Lots of school work to do

Reason 3: I hate when I don't hear from certain people.... it's stressful (this has nothing to do with the amazing something)

Reason 4: Lots of school work to do

All are a result of: Going to NYC for a week to meet companies!!!

Ok so it's a good thing. But it's really wearing on me right now. I'm working on it. But sometimes I wish someone would just hit me over the head with a hammer...

Something happened on the way to class...

Something weird happened before class on Friday. To put it in short - I got asked out on a date. The funny thing? The guy didn't know my name. Ok but lets start at the beginning...

I was walking down the hallway when I hear someone behind me say...

Guy: Hey! You're the one who scheduled the conference room for me yesterday right?

(I turn around) Me: Yeah...

Guy: Well, I was wondering... I never do this... but do you maybe want to go to the Halloween Concert tonight? Like on a date?

Me: Yeah, sure!

Guy: Really? I'm really sorry that was rude of me. I don't even know your name!

Me: It's Marissa

*Fast forward about 10 hours... He just picked me up and we are walking out to his car...

Guy: Now, first of all. I just have to apologize for earlier in the Spori. I was very rude when I asked you out. I can't believe I didn't even ask your name first.

** All in all, Friday was a very interesting day. And I had a very good time on the date! We went to the Halloween Concert then Dairy Queen to get ice cream afterwards. Want to know who the guy was....? Brother Bean's son.... Brennan.

The end is near...

This is my 5th semester here at BYU-Idaho, and honestly - I don't have that much left. To be exact? 3 semesters. Soooo scary.... But I'm excited. I'm on my way out. But that means checking out Grad school now. I'm looking into Boston University or Columbia University. I'd like to think I could get into somewhere big, but who knows. Anyways! Super stoked - super excited!

What I should and what I want...

I've been arguing with myself lately on what I want to do with my life. The truth is... I feel like I really need a break and just have some fun. I want to travel and see things! I want to experience the world. Right now, I'm headed towards this....

... Career Woman... I'm not fully convinced that's what I want to do.... This is what I want to be doing....

... Traveling Woman... seeing the world.... taking beautiful pictures... discovering new things... My problem is.... Everyone expects woman #1 out of me, and I want to be woman #2.... so what to do?

What makes me happy...

A lot of the time I think, I know, I make life out to be more complicated than it needs to be. I get going so fast that I forget to stop and ask myself what makes ME happy. Well what does make me happy.... there are a lot of things. But in the secular sense, I love taking pictures - especially of people. I love capturing a moment in time that will never be repeated again. It's a funny thing with taking pictures though... people always gripe and complain when you're taking them, but afterwards the really appreciate it... (at least that's what my family does) If i could quit school and take pictures for the rest of my life and make a good living, I would... and maybe I will.... (not really but it's fun to think about)

This photo as taken by me, of me, in a reflection of a mirror.

My roommate took this picture but I did the editing.

Wednesday!

This week has been going pretty good. My mood has been pretty stable and I've been able to keep up on my homework very well. And it's WEDNESDAY! Over the hump - two days left. Then WEEKEND! It makes me happy.

Embarrassing moment...

I really should have a shirt with this sign on it. I have a serious tripping hazard. I at least have 3 casualties a semester. And today while walking out of the Spori building, I had my first. It really taught me I shouldn't text and walk down stairs at the same time. I thought I was at the last step, but I wasn't. I completely missed the last step and fell down the stairs. EMBARRASSING! There was a young man behind me saying, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" All I could say was, "It happens all the time." Which is true. I used to be really embarrassed about these kind of things and hang on to them forever. But now I just laugh. Even though my knee is swollen and it hurts to walk, I can laugh at myself.

Stubborn... Well you know...

I learned something today about myself in class... I am terrible at being uncooperative when asked to do so. Sister McKenna pulled me aside before class and asked me to be uncooperative during the group activity. Just be a jerk basically. I couldn't... I think I said one thing and they just looked at me like they couldn't believe I just said that. Yeah... I'm a compliant person - a people pleaser! Yes I can be stubborn... but on my own terms.

Letting it go...

I really appreciated the thoughts that Sister McKenna shared in class the other day. It made me think back on my own life and the struggles I've had. For the most part I've been able to let them go. I won't mention specifics, but lets just say I've been to hell and back. I've been beaten and kicked and seen the bottom of the well. It's taken years to get to the point where I am happy and confident. All these experiences have been for my good. I am a much better, stronger, happier person than I was before. I've just had to let it go. Like a balloon in the sky... let it go and expect to never think of it again.

The Birthday

Alright, I'll admit... I'm getting older. This last Saturday I turned the big Two One. And I don't know how I feel about it. I'm glad to be getting older, but with such comes more responsibility. A woo... hoo.... It was a bitter sweet thing.

But one good thing, I had my whole family there. They all were able to come to celebrate this special event with me. And I really appreciate that and feel very loved.

Personal Triumph - New York City

A couple days ago I got an email from Brother Warnick informing us that we would find out if we had been accepted to go to the NY expedition by Thursday. So today... I have been anticipating it all day... checking my email every 10 minutes. Finally, after my religion class (which does not allow laptops) I pulled up my email and found this....

I got it! And I am soooo THRILLED! I've been having kind of a bad week and my birthday is this next weekend. And this email was either going to make or break my birthday weekend. This has been definitely the best birhtday present ever.